Banc - :)) si viata e frumoasa!

Mare concurs international de pictura! Tematica era ca din pictura sa reiasa titlul tabloului. Candidate la marele premiu au fost selectate 4 tari: America, Franta, Rusia si Romania! Tabloul Americii o reprezenta pe Louise in pielea goala pe un iaht! Titlul tabloului era: "O boarfa la uscat!" Tabloul Frantei era cu doua tipe goale intr-un copac. Titlul tabloului era: "Doua poame!" Tabloul Rusiei o avea pe Natasha in pielea goala cu o secera in mana, iar titlul tabloului era: "in asteptarea ciocanului!" Iar in tabloul Romaniei era reprezentata Ileana, goala intr-un lan de grau, iar in spatele ei o ceata de tarani fugind. Titlul tabloului era: "Iobagi in fuga!"

Un barbat trecut bine de prima tinerete intra la un bordel nou deschis. Aruncand priviri piezise in stanga si in dreapta se indreapta spre biroul de receptie, unde un tanar butona de zor la un computer...
- Hm Hm, zice barbatul nostru.
- O, bine ati venit la stabilimentul nostru computerizat unde serviciile sunt organizate dupa ultimele modele economice, zice tanarul. Cu siguranta doriti sa aveti o companie placuta. Va rog mergeti pe acest culoar luminat discret, si selectati ce doriti la ecranul care va apare.
- Hm, Hm, da, bine, mai zice si barbatul cautator de distractie, si paseste pe culoar la dreapta. In fata ii apare un mic touch-screen selection system pus in fata a doua usi identice.
"Doriti o blonda inalta cu sani mari, please press 1, sau cu sani mici, please press 2" zicea ecranul. Maraind ceva mai tare, omul nostru apasa nerabdator pe 1. Imediat, o usa mascata in zid se dechide, invitand din nou, mai departe. Din nou un ecran cu acelasi mesaj
- Ce-i, hmmm, ce-i asta, domnule? urla el la tanarul receptioner.
- Well, raspunde tanarul, fetele n-au sosit inca, dar speram ca v-a placut organizarea noastra...

Un tip intra intr-un bar,tocmai il parasise prietena si se
apuca sa bea cu un alt tip care statea langa el la bar.
intr-un final se hotarasc sa se arunce de pe un bloc
deoarece nu mai avea rost sa traiasca.
Pe bloc omul care era dinainte la bar zice ca sare el primul.
Zis si facut, da` la vreo trei etaje de pamint isi da seama ca
nu vrea sa moara asa ca incepe sa dea din maini si isi ia
zborul, intorcandu-se pe acoperis, cel pe care tocmai
il parasise prietena nu crede ce tocmai se intamplase si
ii spune celui care a sarit sa mai sara o data ca sa se
convinga ca apoi sare si el.Primu tip sare din nou si,
aceeasi chestie, la trei etaje de pamint da din maini
si-si ia zboru inapoi pe acoperis.Cel parasit de
prietena convins sare si el iar la trei etaje de pamant
incepe sa dea din maini, dar nu se intimpla nimic si moare
zdrobindu-se de pamint.
Primu tip se intoarce la bar si continua sa bea.
La care barmanul spune:Ce rau poti sa fii cand
esti beat, Superman!



Romeo si Julietta in noaptea nuntii:
- Ooo, Romeo, Romeo, pune-mi-o, te rog, in palma...
- Dar Julietta, degetele tale nu pot fi atinse decat de cel mai fin inel de aur cu cel mai shlefuit margaritar.
- Oooo, Romeo, Romeo, pune-mi-o, te rog, intre sani...
- Dar Julietta, sanii tai nu pot fi dezmierdatzi decat de razele suave ale lunii.
- Ooooo, Romeo, Romeo, pune-mi-o, te rog, sus!!!
- Dar Julietta, buzele tale nu pot fi sarutate decat de roua fragilor culese intr-o dimineatza de mai.
- Ooo, Romeo, Romeo, pune-mi-o atunci oriunde, numai scoate-mi-o din kur!

Diferite tipuri de orgasm: 1.Astmatica:� Aahh...ahhh...ahhh! 2.Geografica: Aici, aici, aici, aici! 3.Matematiciana: Mai mult, mai mult, mai mult, mai mult! 4.Religioasa: Oh Doamne, oh Doamne! 5.Sinucigasa: Mor, mor! 6.Criminala: Daca te opresti acum, te omor! 7.Zootehnista: Vino taurul meu, vino! 8.Cheerleader: Da-i...da-i...da-i! 9.Profesoara de engleza: Oh... yes, oh...good... 10.Tipul Primul proiect: Nu te opri! Continua, continua!............ Nu te opri! Continua, continua! 11.Negativa: Nuuu, nuuuuuu! 12.Pozitiva: Da...da...da! 13.Profesoara: Da...asa...pe acolo...foarte bine...corect...perfect. 14.Dezinformata: Ce e asta?... De ce?... Ce-mi faci? 15.Analista de sistem: OK. Procesul s-a terminat cu success

Un european ajunge la un trib izolat din Africa si seful de trib il ia sa-i arate atractiile locale. Intr-o vale, mai la dos, era un scaun turnant, imprejurul caruia stateau pe pamant sase negrese frumusele. > - Asta, zice seful de trib, este ruleta noastra africana. > - Adica? > - Va asezati pe scaunul turnant, va invartiti si fata in fata careia va opriti face sex oral. > > - Si care-i riscul? > > - Una dintre ele e canibala.

Un batran de 90 de ani ii spune doctorului sau:
- Nu m-am simtit niciodata atat de bine. Am o mireasa de 18 ani cu care voi avea un copil. Ce ziceti de asta? Doctorul se gandeste un minut la intrebarea lui si apoi spune:
- Am un prieten mai in varsta care este vanator si nu lipseste de la nici un sezon. Intr-o zi cand se cam grabea a luat umbrela in loc sa ia pusca. Cand a ajuns la locul de vanatoare, a vazut un iepure care statea langa un rau. Si-a ridicat umbrela, a facut 'bang, bang' si iepurele a cazut mort la pamant. Ce zici de asta?
Batranul raspunde:
- Eu as zice ca altcineva i-a omorat iepurele.
Doctorul:
- Exact.

Un jurnalist intreaba directorul unei case de nebuni ce test se efectueaza pentru a externa un bolnav.
-Umplem cada cu apa si punem alaturi o lingura si o cana.Si ii propunem bolnavului sa goleasca cada de apa.
Jurnalistul zambind spune:
-Orice om normal ar lua cana
-Nu,spune directorul,un om normal ar scoate dopul cazii !!

La 3 noaptea vine John acasa beat mort, injurand, cu urme de bataie. Se impleticeste in hol, varsa pe mocheta, mai darama cateva obiecte neidentificate, pe cateva le sparge, ajunge cu fruntea in usa dormitorului,in cele din urma cumva in pat si adoarme.
Dimineata se trezeste intr-o atmosfera idilica. Prin geamul deschis se aud pasarelele, alaturi pe noptiera e o aspirina, miroase a curat. Se scoala buimac, pe oglinda bilet: "Scumpul meu, buna dimineata, ai micul dejun in bucatarie. Eu m-am dus la cumparaturi.Sarutari, Frida."
Din ce in ce mai nedumerit porneste spre bucatarie.Peste tot e curatenie desavarsita, in hol arde o lumanare parfumata, nici urma de varsatura pe mocheta. In bucatarie, copilul isi termina micul dejun, iar al lui, cu grija, este pus la incalzit.
Cu oarecare timiditate, John chestioneaza copilul:
- Ce s-a intamplat de fapt azi-noapte, fiule?
- A, pai ai venit pe la 3 foarte beat.
- Si?
- Ai vomat de mocheta...
- Si?!
- Ai spart vaza aia frumoasa de la bunica si te-ai dat cu capul de usa dormitorului...
- Si?!!
- Si pe urma mama te-a tarat in pat.
- Si?!!!
- Si a-nceput sa te dezbrace, dar, cand sa-ti desfaca pantalonii, tu ai zis
"Lasa-ma cucoana-n pace, ca-s om insurat."

A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow.
The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table.
The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?"
The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables.
By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient."
Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much time washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises."
The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked.
"Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands."
The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?"
The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."



Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.


Q: What happened to Jesus when he went to Mount Olive?
A: Popeye kicked the shit out of him...


Acum scuzele mele ca o sa fac un post foarrte luuung dar .. nu a mai postat nimeni intre timp so .....


TEST : Find Out If You Are a Sensitive Man :

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
A. Lovemaking.
B. Screwing.
C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've both shared:
A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
B. Your blood-test results.
C. Five tequila slammers.

3. You time your orgasm so that:
A. Your partner climaxes first.
B. You both climax simultaneously.
C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
A. Healthy, creative love-play.
B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever find out about.

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with is:
A. The best part of the experience.
B. The second best part of the experience.
C. $100 extra.

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:
A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her. B. Not a problem, she can join your gym. C. A conservative estimate.

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
A. A myth.
B. An oxymoron.
C. A moron.

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
A. An appetizer is to entree.
B. Primer is to paint.
C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
A. "I hope we can still be friends."
B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy.
B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place.

Evaluating Results:

If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really ARE a man.

If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU ARE 100% RED BLOODED MAN!"

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG -- Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, "Ta-da!"
2) MCGYVER'S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE -- An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON'S LAST RESORT -- Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) "I really want to thank you for this."
2) "Dammit! I thought they were bigger."
3) "Do you have any cereal?"


Probleme cu scularea :
`Doctor,` the embarrassed man said, `I have a sexual problem. I can`t get it up for my wife anymore.`
The Doctor looked at the man, and replied, `Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.`
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. `Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,` the Doctor requested. `Now turn all the way around...Lie down please...Uh-huh, I see. OK, you may put your clothes back on.`
The doctor took the husband aside. `You`re in perfect health,` he said.
`Your wife didn`t give me an erection either.`

Poveste adevarata :

On July 20,1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That`s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to Earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reentered the lander, Neil Armstrong made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr.Gorsky" statement meant,but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5,1995,in Tampa Bay, Florida,while answering questions following a speech,a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938 when he was a kid in a small Midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor`s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr.and Mrs.Gorsky.
As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs.Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You`ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

La scoala...
Profesoara: Copii,azi vom face propozitii cu verbul "a tese".
Bula se agita in ultima banca,il vede profesoara dar il pune pe Strul
Profesoara: Strul,spune-ne si nou o propozitie cu vb-ul "a tese"
Strul: Bunica tese ciorapii!
Profesoara: Bravo Strul,stai jos,ai un 10!
Bula saracul tot cu mana pe sus....Profesoara il pune pe Itic
Profesoara: Haide Itic,spune-ne si tu!
Itic: Mama tese manusile frumos.
Profesoara: Bravo Itic,stai jos,ai si tu un 10!
In sfarsit vine si randul lui Bula...
Profesoara: Bula ai face bine sa nu spui prostii...
Bula: Nu doamna... Mama mi-a luat chiloti cu 2 numere mai mici.
Profesoara: Pai bine mai Bula,dar unde este verbul "a tese" in propozitia ta?
Bula: Pai "tese" p&&a prin ei!




Bula vrea sa cumpere un papagal. Vinzatorul il linisteste, ca exemplarul
ales este foarte destept, si invata foarte repede sa vorbeasca. Dupa o
saptamina Bula se intoarce nervos. Vinzatorul intreaba:
- Este vreo problema? Nu a invatat sa vorbeasca?
- Ba-ba-ba-ba da-da-da-da, da-da-da-dar se-se-se-se bi-bi-bi-bilbie!




- Bula, azi vei raspunde din legea lui Arhimede. Ce se intimpla daca te
scufunzi in cada?
- Suna telefonul...


- Bula, de ce este renumit Edison?
- Din cauza descoperirilor sale.
- Bine, bine, dar ce descoperiri?
- Pai lui ii datoram faptul ca daca vrem sa ne ridicam din fata
televizorului, nu trebuie sa aprindem o luminare.


- De ce a ramas celebru Napoleon? - intreaba profesoara.
- Fiindca avea o memorie formidabila - raspunse elevul.
- Poti fi mai clar?
- Da. Pe statuia sa scrie: "Pentru memoria lui Napoleon".



- Bula, cum se cheama animalul de care si leului ii e frica?
- Leoaica, doamna profesoara.

O pereche de batrani, el de 115 ani, ea de 110 ani, se prezinta la ofiterul starii civile. -Vrem sa divortam ! -Cand ati hotarat ? -In urma cu 40 de ani ! -Si de ce ati asteptat atat ? -De jena ! Am asteptat sa moara copiii !



De ce n-au blondele par la p***a? R: A mai vazut cineva sa creasca iarba pe autostrada principala?



Doua blonde la cinematograf. In timpul filmului una ii spune celeilalte : - Tipul de linga mine face laba !!! a doua : - Si tu draga,ignora-l !! prima : - Nu pot ca o face cu mana mea !!!



De ce femeile alearga mai incet decat barbatii??!? Pt ca frecarea intre placi e mai mare ca frecarea intre bile.


Ion era pe un mal al Oltului si Maria pe celalalt mal. -Mario, as vrea sa ti-o trag! -Si eu as vrea, dar nu am cum trece apa. -Pai uite cum facem, eu imi scol scula si treci pe ea. -Bine mai Ioane, dar cum trec apa inapoi?

)))

Badea Gheorghe, jerpelit, face autostopul sa ajunga de la Ploiesti la Bucuresti. Vine o super masina, opreste si-l intreaba:
-Unde mergi, bade?
-La Bucuresti, raspunde badea.
-Si crezi ca te ia cineva imbracat asa jerpelit?
-Ma gandeam ca pentru 200 de dolari, m-o lua si pe mine cineva...
-Doua sute de dolari (isi spuse ala in gand)?!Urca!
Urca mosu in masina, la un moment dat soferul isi aprinde un trabuc. Mosu', care statea ca bosu in spate, zice:
-Nu te supara, daca-ti dau 500 de dolari imi dai si mie un trabuc?
Ala fericit, ii intinde un trabuc.
Dupa un timp mosu' ii zice:
-Auzi, da' daca-ti dau o mie de dolari imi faci o ****?
Dupa un pic de stat pe ganduri, ala executa lucrare.
Mosu' , relaxat , dupa o jumatate de ora zice:
-Baiete, nu stiu ce-o sa ma fac, ca neam de neamul meu n-a avut atatea datorii cate am eu la tine!!!


O mama avea 3 fete. Fetele incep sa se marite la scurt timp una de alta. Pentru ca mama lor era ingrijorata de cum isi vor incepe viata sexuala, le-a cerut sa-i promita ca atunci cand vor fi in luna de miere sa-i trimita o vedere cu cateva cuvinte in legatura cu ce-au simtit in noaptea nuntii. Prima fata ii trimite mamei o vedere din Hawaii dupa 2 saptamani de la nunta. Pe vedere era scris doar "Nescafe". Mama a ramas perplexa pt inceput, ca apoi sa mearga in bucatarie si sa se uite pe cutia de Nescafe. Scria : "Pana la ultima picatura". Mama s-a inrosit toata dar a fost incantata de fiica sa.
A doua fata i-a trimis mamei o vedere din Vermont la o saptamana dupa nunta, scriind pe ea: "Rothmans". Mama stia acum unde sa se duca direct: la tigarile sotului ei. Citi pe pachet : "Extra Long. King Size". S-a rusinat din nou dar a fost fericita pentru fiica sa.
A treia fata plecase in luna de miere in Cape Town. Mama a asteptat o saptamana si ....nimic. Dupa aproape o luna, o vedere in sfarsit sosi. Era un scris de mana tremurat si 3 cuvinte: "South African Airways". Mama iesi repede si cumpara ultimul nr al "YOU Magazine", rasfoi paginile si in sfasit gasi pagina cu "South African Airways". Scria: "De zece ori pe zi, 7 zile pe saptamana, in ambele sensuri".
Mama lesina...

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her students:
"If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family and during a dinner for two, you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies
"Wait a minute, I'm going for a piss."
The teacher says :
"That would be very rude and improper on your part."
Johnny replied :
"I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be back in a minute."
The teacher says : "That's much better, but to mention the word 'toilet' during a meal, is unpleasant."
Charlie says:
"My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope, to be able to introduce to you after dinner!"

Un copilas se uita la un nene care repara o masina:
- Si nene, spune copilul, in mina aveti un ciocan?
- Da, baietel.
- Si aveti doar unul?
- Da, baietel...
- Unul singur?!
- Da, dar de ce ma intrebi?
- Pentru ca tata are doua: unul cum aveti dumneavoastra si unul de
cauciuc cu care isi dezdoaie caroseria...
Dupa un timp, din nou:
- Si aceea e o surubelnita?
- Da, baietel...
- Si numai pe aceea o aveti?
- Numai...
- Pai, stiti, tata are doua: si un cum aveti dumneavoastra, si una in
stea pentru alte suruburi...
Si tot asa citeva ore bune... La un moment dat tipul pleaca dupa un colt
sa se pise... Apare de dupa colt capul copilului, la care tipul
exasperat:
- Hai pleaca de aici ca nu ai ce vedea... Te miri ca-mi spui ca tatal
tau are si doua din astea....!
- Da, sa stiti, nene, ca e adevarat... are una ca a dumneavoastra cu care
face pipi si una mai mare cu care se spala mama pe dinti...

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months.Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says:
-Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of the house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair, impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the car and comes to the house. He sits in the living room with the parents and the girl and tells them:
-Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation. But I will take charge and try to do the right thing. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $1,000,000 bank accunt. If a boy is born, my legacy will be several factories and a $2,000,000
bank account.If it is twins, a factory and $2,000,000 each.
-However, the gentleman goes on, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?
At this point, the girls' father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
-You F*CK her again!!!

banc...
Un circ era kam in criza de staruri si da un concurs pt un nou showmen..una dintre cerintze era originalitea ...
A doua zi ditamai glota astepta intre la interviu..Printre primi vine si un pitic ..
Directorul circului:Ce potzti omule u sa faci ?la inaltimea ta n-o sa impresionezi pe nimeni!
Piticulot sa sar de la 100m inaltime in cap drept pe pamant decat co ,,,caciula asta in cap.....
DC:super gata gonitzi toata lumea acasa cred k ne-am gasit un nou star..
Ziua mare a debutului piticului ...lumea venise din toate coltzurile sa vada plonjatul in cap de la 100 m inaltime drept in cap..
Se suie piticul o 100 m pe o scara si de acolo sare drept in cap cu caciula in cap ....baauuuuuuuuuuuuu; liniste ,piticul nu mai misca ...se cheama ambulantza...peste o luna usa directorului de circ sa deschide brusc si in prag apare piticul zambid:Thadammmmmm