Banc - :)) si viata e frumoasa!

Subsemnatul, Penisul, cer o marire de salariu din urmatoarele
considerente:
· Fac munca fizica.
· Muncesc la adancimi mari.
· Ma arunc cu capul inainte in tot ce fac.
· Nu imi iau liber duminica sau in sarbatori legale.
· Lucrez intr-un mediu umed.
· Lucrez intr-un mediu intunecat si prost ventilat.
· Lucrez in temperaturi ridicate.
· Prin munca mea sunt expus la boli contagioase.

Cu respect, Penisul

Stimate Penis,
In urma analizarii cererii Dvs. si tinand seama de argumentele
expuse, administratia a respins cererea Dvs. din urmatoarele
motive:
· Nu lucrati 8 ore/zi incontinuu.
· Adormiti la intervale scurte de munca.
· Nu urmati intotdeauna ordinele directiuni
Scuze

La un cabinet medical erau 3 bolnavi:un alcoolic,un fumator si un homosexual.Doctorul le zice:
-Domnilor, trebuie sa renuntati de indata la viciile voastre,va avertizez ca inca o cadere in "bratele viciului" va poate aduce moartea!
Bolnavii, speriati, au zis "nu,nu d-le doctor ,nu se va mai intampla!".In drum spre casa , trec pe langa o crasma, alcoolicul nu se poate abtine, intra si bea o halba de ber.Imediat dupa, cade mort!Ceilalti 2, speriati, merg ei ce merg si la un moment dat vede fumatorul un pachet de tigari pe jos....sta....se uita la pachet ,se uita la homosexual, care-i spune:
-Daca te apleci sa ridici pachetul, suntem amandoi morti!

De ce e elefantu' mare, gri si aspru?
Pentru ca daca ar fi mic, alb si neted, s-ar numi aspirina

One night this guy and his girlfriend are about to go into his apartment. Before he can open his door his girlfriends says, "Wait a minute. I think I can tell how a man makes love by the way he unlocks his door."
"Give me some examples", the guy replies.
"Well, if a guy shoves his key into the lock, and open the door hard, then that means he's a rough lover and that isn't for me. If a man fumbles around and can't seem to find the hole, that means he's inexperienced and that isn't for me either." Then she says, coyly, "Honey, how do you unlock your door?"
"Well, first before I do anything else, I lick the lock."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he`d be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What`s wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn`t."
"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."

A man comes home from work and finds his wife screwing his cousin in the closet.
''What the hell are you doing?!'' the man asks.
''I'm riding a bus,'' his cousin replies.
''That's a stupid thing to say!''
''That's a stupid thing to ask!''

Have you seen Ray Charles' wife? Neither has he!

If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away and that, indeed, the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread.
If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world.
If the Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt.
If Timex made toasters... They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters... 'Baby's First Toaster' would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a jack-in-the-box.
If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster '02 would weigh 15,000 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but five years earlier.


An old man and his daughter go to the doctor for his monthly checkup. During examination, the doctor asks how his nightly incontinence is.
"It's fine," says the old man. "I just get up and go to the bathroom, and God turns on the light for me."
The doctor finishes up the examination, and then calls in the daughter to tell her about the God-light thing.
"Oh, my God!" says the daughter. "He's been using the fridge again!"


You might be a redneck if you think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.


What's the difference between light and hard?
You can go to sleep with the light on.

Un cardiolog se duce la mecanicul auto (avand probleme cu masina,evident)Mecanicul nu pierde ocazia si il ia la misto:
- Care e, dom' doctor diferenta dintre mine si dvs? Uite, eu desfac motoru' asa cum dvs deschideti inima omuli. Eu repar piesa, ca si dvs. Eu schimb o valva defecta,, cum schimbati dvs o valva bolnava. Atunci cum se face ca aveti salariul de 3 ori mai mare decat al meu?
La care medicul raspunde:
- Incearca dumneata sa faci toate astea cu motorul pornit!

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your
own words, what happened to you?

Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn`t stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven`t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, `Take me, young man, Take me!`

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. That`s when he yelled, `April Fool!`

And that`s when I shot the son of a bitch!

Vine Alin acasa si ii gaseste pe toti plangand.
- Ce ati patit, oameni buni?
- A murit bunicu...
- Cum asa?
- Pai, sa vezi... l-am adus sa vada si el casa. Era pe balcon si s-a daramat cu el...
- Si a murit bunicul?!
- Nu... a cazut, dar s-a prins de tocul de la geam... a alunecat si iar a cazut...
- Si-a murit bunicu!!!
- N-a murit, mai... a picat in copacul din curte...
- Si a murit bunicu!!!
- Nu... a fost catapultat pe acoperis, de pe care a alunecat si a tras toata tigla dupa el...
- Si a muurit bunicu!!!
- Nu... ca s-a prins de burlan... dar s-a desprins cu el cu tot... si a ajuns la etajul 2... dar s-a rupt cu el si a picat prin tavan la etajul 1...
- Si a murit bunicu!!!
- Nu, mai... s-a rostogolit pe scari pana la parter...
- Si a murit...
- N-a murit mai... dar l-am impuscat noi ca ne darama casa...


Dupa o impuscatura, vanatorul ii spune colegului sau:
- Dute si vezi, ce animal am impuscat.
Dupa un timp colegul se intoarce si spune:
- Judecand dupa buletinul de identitate, il cheama Ion.

Un mos, cam la 80 de ani, vine la un hotel cu o gagica blonda tare. Merge mosu` la receptie si cere o camera la etajul 10. Ia cheia, o conduce pe gagica la lift si el o ia la fuga pe scari. A doua zi mosul vine cu o gagica roscata beton, beton. Merge la receptie, cere o camera la etajul 10, ia cheia, o conduce pe gagica la lift si el o ia la fuga pe scari. A treia zi faza se repeta, numai ca acum mosu` vine cu o gagica bruneta.
Exasperat, tipul de la receptie il intreaba:
- Tataie, de ce le conduci numai pe tipe la lift si dumneata urci pe jos pina la etajul 10? Nu obosesti?
- Ba da, taica, dar faci o limba dup-aia....


Un ascultator suna la un post de radio.
- Buna ziua!
- Buna ziua! Va ascultam.
- Am gasit un portofel care contine 15000 dolari si un buletin de identitate pe numele Gherasim Mihai.
- Asa, si?
- Pai, as vrea sa-i ofer o dedicatie muzicala!


Ursul, lupul si mãgarul la cârcima din pãdure:
- O sticlã de votca! ceru ursul. -
-O sticlã?! se mirarã ceilalti doi.
-Da, mãi bãieti! Am o treabã cu o ursoaicã si vreau sã fiu tare!
- O sticlã de votcã! ceru si lupul.
- O sticlã?! se mirarã ceilalti doi.
- Da, mãi bãieti! Am o treabã cu o lupoaicã si vreau si eu sã fiu tare!
- O cinzeacã de votcã! ceru si mãgarul.
- Numai o cincizeacã?! se mirarã ceilalti doi.
- Mãi baieti, eu sculã am, beau doar ca sã-mi sclipeasca ochii. )

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.
"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.
"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.
"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."
"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"
"Baaaaa..."


How do you know if u are a Redneck Jedi
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.

Your master has said, ''My finger you will pull..hmmm?''

You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.



What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...

United Airlines anulase unul din zborurile principale ale zilei. Functionara companiei, o blondina sexy, statea tacticoasa si reprograma pasagerii la urmatoarele zboruri. Se formase o coada lunga la ghiseul ei. Dintr-o data apare un tip elegant, dar cam uratel, care o ia inaintea tuturor, imbrancindu-i. Tranti biletul pe tejghea si spuse:
- Trebuie sa iau zborul urmator, urgent. Si vreau numai clasa a-ntaia!!!!
Calma, blonda spune:
- Domnul meu, sunt multi altii inaintea dvs.. Faceti bine si asteptati pana va vine randul si o sa vedem ce se poate face.
Enervat, tipul spuse scrasnind din dinti:
- Ai cumva idee cine sunt eu?
Calma, blonda lua microfonul si vorbi in el, asa ca sa auda toata lumea:
- Avem aici un calator care nu stie cine e. Cine poate sa-l ajute sa se identifice e rugat sa se prezinte la ghiseul 2.
Rasete de veselie urmara. Wow, rosu-negru-albastru s-a facut uratul imbracat elegant si zise printre dinti:
- I will f... you for this.
Fara a se intimida, blondina ii raspunse:
- Domnul meu, si pentru asta o sa trebuiasca sa stati la coada.


Retrospectiva:
Anul 1981
1. Printul Charles se casatoreste.
2. Liverpool câstiga Cupa Europeana.
3. Papa moare.
Anul 2005
1. Printul Charles se casatoreste.
2. Liverpool câstiga Cupa Europeana.
3. Papa moare.
Concluzie: daca Charles se mai casatoreste înca o data si Liverpool ajunge iar în finala, ar fi bine sa-l anunte cineva pe Papa...

Vecinii lui Bula au un nou nascut. Din nefericire acesta s-a nascut fara urechi. Cand familia lui Bula este invitata la vecini pt. a vedea copilul, tatal lui Bula il ia de-o parte si-i explica: - Copilul asta este marea lor bucurie, il doresc de mult! Daca spui ceva despre urechile lui te bat de te rup! - Am inteles, zice Bula Cand ajung in casa vecinilor si dau cu ochii de copil, Bula zice entuziasmat mamei copilului: - Vai ce copil frumos! Mama rasufla usurata. Bula continua: -Ce manute dragalase, ce picioruse frumoase...si ce ochi frumosi! Ce-a zis doctoru` , vede bine? Mama: - Da, vede bine, de ce intrebi? - Pentru ca daca va trebui sa poarte ochelari, a belit-o!

O femeie iese din casa si vede ca trece o masina mortuara. In spatele masinii o femeie in negru mergea alaturi de un pitbull. La o suta de metri mai in spate, o noua masina mortuara. Mai in spate 100 de femei mergeau in ritmul masinilor.
Femeia este tare nedumerita de toate acestea. Prinde curaj si se apropie de femeia in negru:
- Scuzati-ma. Stiu ca nu este un moment potrivit, dar as putea sa va intreb cine a murit.
- Sotul meu.
- Cum s-a intamplat?
- Cainele meu l-a atacat si l-a ucis!
- Si in a doua masina cine este?
- Soacra mea. A incercat sa-si salveze fiul si a fost si ea omorata.
Un moment de liniste.
- Pot imprumuta si eu cainele? intreaba timida prima femeie
- Sigur. Treceti la coada.

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door, he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he tries one more time to stand up.
This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting loudly.
"So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's member is hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and, without missing a beat, blurts out.........."I'll be damned ----- My girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"

You have to hope that this study is flawed but the evidence seems irrefutable. Several months ago, scientists at Europe's human reproduction conference suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption.
4 The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were each fed six pints of beer in a one-hour period.
It was then observed that 100 percent of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform sexually, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned

Cele 7 minuni

La barbati:
1. Toti barbatii suntem al dracului de ocupati.
2. Desi suntem ocupati avem vreme de femei.
3. Desi avem vreme de femei nu prea ne pasa de ele.
4. Desi nu prea ne pasa de ele, tot timpul avem una langa noi.
5. Desi tot timpul avem una linga noi, ne mai "dam" si la alta sau altele.
6. Desi ne mai "dam" la alta sau altele ne enervam daca femeia cu care suntem ne paraseste.
7. Desi femeia cu care suntem ne paraseste, tot nu invatam din greselile pe care le facem (si tot ne mai dam la altele).

La femei:
1. Pentru o femeie este tot timpul importanta securitatea "materiala".
2. Desi este important a supravietui din punct de vedere material, ele tot timpul isi cumpara haine scumpe.
3. Desi ele tot timpul isi cumpara haine scumpe, niciodata nu au cu ce sa se imbrace.
4. Desi ele zic ca nu au niciodata cu ce sa se imbrace, tot timpul se imbraca frumos.
5. Desi tot timpul se imbraca frumos, haina pe care o pun pe ele este doar "carpa veche".
6. Desi ele zic ca este doar o "carpa veche" se asteapta de la tine sa faci complimente.
7. Desi tu incerci sa le faci complimente, ele nu te cred niciodata...!